And so they departed, each returning to their respective shells

yeah guys.
i'm back
and do you know why?
go on, ask me why.
i dare you to.
better brace yourselves. you knew what you were getting yourselves into when you asked me why.

*WHY?!*

because i write when i'm passionately emotionally ...all over the plcae. right? i write when i'm insanely happy, that is, after screaming down the house and all. and i also write when i'm horribly upset, or depressed (what a depressing phrase) or just feeling terrible.

and what do you know, guys?
i couldn't stay away for very long. my last post was in november, 2 months ago.
2 months.
that's the longest i can stay away for.
and what do you know?
i fucked up again.

that's it.
i fucked up.
again.

which is why i'm writing again

because writing allows me to express everything in me.
sure, i know that you're probably never going to read this, and in the chance that you do, you won't be happy to see what i've written
well, i hope that you won't be upset

but i was so naiive when i thought that everything was too good to be true.
i took it for granted, didn't i?
i thought that it was too good to be true, so i didn't hold onto it tightly enough
or maybe i held on too tightly that i suffocated it.

there are only so many litres of tears my pillow can hold
once it reaches that saturated stage (again), i will have no choice but to grow up. move on. but i don't want to. i can't
because i'm not going to give up
you never gave up on me
so i'm not going to give up on you

song for y'all:

The Speical Two
by Missy Higgins

I've hardly been outside my room in days
Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays
The darkness helped until the whisky wore away
It was then that I realised that conscience never fades

When you're young you have this image of your life
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife
And you make boundaries you never dream to cross
And when you happen to you wake completely lost

But i will fight for you
Be sure tha t I will fight
Until we're the special two
once again



y'all know the rest
if you don't, look it up.
but my point in showing you the first verse and the pre-chorus
is not just because i like the chords in the song, but beacuse i love the lyrics
(remember what sophie fisher said in 'Music and Lyrics')
they're awfully depressing
but they sum everything up so well

the last few days
well, the last week, actually
has been a huge roller coaster ride
ups and downs
just like you said
and i thought that you would be able to carry me through it all
and you can
but
little did i know
that i had stuffed it up from the beginning
there was something wrong right from the start, and that was my fault

i thought that i would be able to pull you out of your shell, encourage you to stand up again
but that only resulted in you becoming even more withdrawn
and now you're even further away than where you were when you started
and not only that, but i sacrificed so many things to take this risk to reach out for you
now i've lost everything
and it is all my fault

all my fault.

don't tell me it's not.
i know that's what you're thinking
i know that you're thinking that i sould stop blaming myself for everything that's happening and everything that has happened
but this tme around, i know that it really was my fault
you tried so hard to meet me
and of course, being me, i made it even more difficult for you

the truth?
i didn't want to get too close
i was scared to
because i knew deep down that this could happen
and it did
it's quite inevitable
and that's why i don't let many people too close anymore
because of that one truth that nobody knows
except those who have had the misfortune to find out
and be shattered by it

i haven't let anyone get close to me (especially guys) for the past 2 years, and i've been "fine"
but that's it. just "fine".
not even "good" or "okay"
because you know what?
FINE is not GOOD ENOUGH
because FINE simply implies that you can still eat, breathe, sleep, talk
and that's what i did
for 2 whole years
i just kept people at an arm's length
all the time
i didn't even hug guys
rarely ever hugged girls
unless they really needed it
and now you understand why

oh gosh. this sounds like i'm gay or something. NO. ahh anyone else reading this is going to be thinking that i'm a really odd person O_O

but that's my point.
everything before was FINE
but then when i took a chance
and let you get close
i wanted you to be near me all the time, because for some reason you made me feel invincible
all the time. and not just invincible, but loved. and cared for, and needed. because i knew (yeah, knew. not know) that i alone could make you laugh at any hour of hte day. and that made me feel absolutely elated. ecstatic. magical. powerful. invincible.
everything was no longer FINE
in fact, everything was bloody brilliant! it was simply, inexplicably magical
maybe that was when i should have realised that something was different. i'd never felt anything more than "just fine" before. and when i realised that the things that i COULD do, and the things that i CAN do are finally appreciated by somebody, THAT was when i knew that it could have been too good to last.

indeed it was too good to last
despite the fact that we told ourselves that it was going to last, that it was something that was there forever, well.
huh. you know the rest.
it was inevitable, as you say

and when you called this morning and told me that everything was going to be just like it was before, and that wahtever happens will just happen, and that iwas all MEANT TO HAPPEN
it made me so
so
so
frustrated
angry
vicious
i just wanted to reach out and slap you. and then hug you and apologise for it, of course
but the reason it made me angry
was because things can't just go back to the way they were
despite what you say, and despite what i say
we are still going to be affected by what happened
unconsciously, you are walking away again
even if you're still going to be within a phone call's reach, or an email, or an sms, you're gone
simply gone
and i was the one who destroyed you
i was the real you
y'know, the one that i dragged out of hiding? the one that i absolutely shattered?
that is what i want from you
i know, it's something absolutely impossible to ask of you, but that's all i can ask of you.
don't say that this was meant to happen. sure, it was inevitable, but GOD DID NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. i just fucked it up.

i guess you could say that i gave you a false hope of some sort
but let me tell you this
that hope was true
i really did hope that ic ould help you
and that i could bring you out from hiding

and i do have faith
i do have faith
i do believe that you can be yourself again
but i don't see how you're going ot be able to move on and just act as though nothing happened.
because that's impossible to me
i want to go through every little bit of what happened
analyse it over and over again
until there are no more questions to be asked

i know that it's a horrible thing to do because it'll just consume your thoughts
but as an overthinker, that's what i need to do
i still don't even really understand what happened
and why you keep insisting that everything WILL go back to normal
because it won't
it just won't
not until i find that missing you
not until you're able to find yourself

but now i'm back to blogging, because it's now my only release

freaking thien thai's not even home.
and nobody else would understand.
simple as that