release

well well. it's been a long time. like, 7 months.
and i'm not even sure why i'm writing this, even though i'd said (in my head) that i would have no need to write online anymore.
but hey, it's just one of those things, right?

why am i writing this now?

2 reasons i can think of right now. the first being that it's a thursday today and i'm home and noone else is online bceause they're all at school. the second being that i was looking at a few friends' blogs and decided that it would be a kind of...odd but interesting experience to read my own words after having been so far away from blogging for such a long time. and wow, it is so weird!

it is REALLY REALLY odd to be reading something, and while i'm thinking to myself "oh hey i remember writing that" and AT THE SAME TIME i'm thinking "what the hell was i ON about?!"

i guess sometimes we all need to that wake up call, that objective view of our lives. time to take a step back and take a look at ourselves and our lives and think "what needs to be changed?"

today i was told that i need to look in the mirror and look for what is wrong with me. then maybe i'd be able to fix the problem. and then be a better person overall!

but how am i supposed to see my own flaws? yeah, sure i know i have flaws. i can even list them for you:
- i speak too much
- i speak too loudly
- i love too many people and refuse to let go
- i worry too much
- i should really stop procrastinating
- i'm really mean when i want to be, and i shouldn't ever want to be mean
- i'm hypocritical at times, even though by admitting that i'm hypocritical, i'm not actually being hypocritical
- i'm too CRITICAL of things. i overthink them

sure, the list goes on and on and on. and yet, when i'm told to look in the mirror and find my flaws, how am i supposed to:
a) pinpoint all of them and
b) find which ones you're talking about?

if you don't tell me exactly what i'm doing wrong, or what's wrong with me, or what part of my personality you don't like, how am i supposed to fix it?


in any case, i'm sure i'll figure that one out for myself. but then i don't wan to overthink it because that'd be like looking for a flaw using a flaw. my goodness.


so what's been happening in the last 7 months or so?

lots has happened. i'm 16 now
i have my L's now

that's all that's significant, i suppose.

hmmm nothing more i really wanted to speak about.

and i failed in my quest to read harry potter in a week. will try that again sometime soon, maybe in the holidays when i'm not trying to a hundred things at once.

we'll see.

well, in any case, i think that's all i've got to say for now. maybe i'll think of something else to say later?

i'm not sure if i'll welcome this blogging back into my life very willingly. if i feel the urge to write again, i shall. but if not, then....

suffice it to say that i will be back, but i'm not sure how long it'll be before i write again.

take care and remember

super heroes only exist because of the people who believe in them

You know what sets me apart from the rest of them? I see more than just the face value

it's what you don't know that will hurt you

it's been an awfully long time since my last post. and in that time, too much has happened.

i say that because, well, because sometimes it'd be nice if things decided to slow down a lil bit. and y'know, leave some space in between the stuff that happens?
this goes for good things and for bad things

i mean, think about it. if we had the same amount of awesome things happen to us, but further apart, woudln't it mean that we would be infitely happieR? for a LONGER amount of time, too?

and the bad stuff? well, give us time to get over one thing before hitting us with another. spacing things out just makes life that tiniest bit easier.

yes yes, life is not meant to be easy. we all know that and we've heard it one too many times. but everybody wishes it. even the people who constantly say "life's not fair" every time they hear "this isn't fair".

my point for today: the people who don't seem like they're hurting might actually be the ones that are hurting the most. they're just the stronger type. the type that can cope with more pain and suffering. even better, they can do it in silence.

oh, the silly people who think that life is fantastic are WRONG
WRONG, you hear me? WRONG

wait. rephrase

the silly people who go around announcing that their life is so bloody fantastic are awesome. because they have good lives and, as long as they are telling the truth when they say that their lives are awesome, then that's great. BUT it's the people who go around saying their life is fantastic, but really, it's NOT fantastic. yeah, those are the ones who are wrong.

WRONG

the people we all dislike because they gloat in their "happy" lives. when really, they're just lying, not only to us but to THEMSELVES

biggest crime in the history of the universe: lying to yourself.

don't ever do it.
dont' ever let anyone else do it
DON"T CONDONE IT


oh, and i also very muchly dislike the people who go around assuming that everyone else's life is fantastic, too, and so don't understand the meaning of the word EMPATHY. gosh. silly people.


so think about that one for a while (til i next write something)
think about who is or isn't lying to themselves. and how you can help them.
think about whether or not YOU are lying to yourself, because damn, if you are. god help YOU. you'll die by me...or at least be shown the truth

peace out, guys.
stick up for what you believe in
stay strong.

found this the other day

took a photo, but it didn't turn out well, so i wrote it down:

Do not exist - live
Do not touch - feel
Do not look - observe
Do not read - absorb
Do not hear - listen
Do not listen - understand
Do not think - ponder
Do not talk - say something!


=)
i liked it
hope you do, too

Viet school is a boring and pointless waste of time

so i decided to use that time somewhat wisely.
here are my jottings down for the day.
be glad i'm actually taking the time to transcribe these for you to read. usually, i'd just put the paper into one of my many writing notebooks, forget about it, and find it again a few years later. so i'm doing this for YOUR benefit
only cause i've never done it before =)
my writing is always spontaneous, and rarely ever do i re-write stuff, or reproduce it. and also because i'm not so cool with people reading my ponderous passages. so once in a life time chance. here it is:

There's a big world out there, and I am going to be part of it. No more hanging around, hiding away and wasting time that I'm never getting back. No more pretending that I'm satisfied with this life. Because I'm not. I want to leave an impression on this world' not just feed off its resources, but be the supplier for the rest of the world.

Look, I'm sorry that I don't/can't live up to your expectations. But quite frankly, this is who I am and if you can't take me, leave. This is all you're ever going to get - all I've got to give

The only thing that's keeping me going is the knowledge that someone, somewhere in this world, accepts me and is grateful for who I am and what I have to offer. Even if you don't. No matter how much you hurt me, even you can't break my spirit. I'll always be me, regardless of what you try to change.

Resonance
Repercussion
Resilient

Undying hope. Unrelenting resilience. A faith that is never tarnished. A hope that can't be lost. And a spirit that shall never be broken.





the end =)

oh and also
quote for today: (i was reading during viet school...i'm an expert at reading with the book hidden under the desk without looking suspicious (from many years' practice, of course) and i found this quote. perfect timing, right?)

"Monica is right. There is a big world out there. And I'm going to be part of it. I'm going to paint, I'm going to hink, I'm going to try everything, say whatever I like, I'm going to...go places. I'm going to live"
page 61 of "Chain of Hearts" by Maureen McCarthy. Published in 1999

probably one of the greatest authors to ever live
oh, she's probably still alive
but one of the greatest authors to have published
certainly one of MY favourite authors


but i suppose that's all i have to write today.
one last thing:
i am a mess

a mess of the repercussions of this whole UN interview stress thing
a mess of the repercussions of what's happened so incredibly rapidly over the past month
a mess because of all the MATHS HOMEWORK i have to bring myself to face
a mess because of all the time i HAVEN'T spent with the people i love
and a mess
because i'm simply too goddam lovable. and awesome.

disregard the last one =)

but oh well
i shall fix myself
only if you fix yourself.
deal?

oh, don't give me that look. i KNOW there's something wrong
something's keeping you up at night
and not allowing you to be COMPLETELY happy
nobody's that carefree
unless you're under the age of 5 =)
and even then, you're scared of the dark

the biggest human weakness: fear

i must say, i was more scared of this interview than i've ever been of anything else
but the worst part of it?
the worst part of it is after the interview
the repercussions
the realisation of "oh shit. i've done it. i can't change anything i've said"
and believe me, there is a LOT i wish i had said instead of what i DID say
and...i know it's too late now
but this is going to be bothering me for a LONG time
so i intend to distract myself as much as possible
loading up the work
filling up my plate
and taking the hugest bite in the history of the universe

i can take it
=)
and because i can take it, it shall take my mind off things
oh, even better
if i CAN'T take it
then i'll worry about that instead =)


but only 1320 hours to go until they tell me the results!
or...something like that :D

i promise i'll stop counting the hours soon, once i can't be bothered anymore
but I DO know that it'll be around 55 days til then

so.
that's the last time i'm goign to mention that

so
i'm going to go do my work now. i have lots to do! and so little time, as they always say
(but really, i have LOTS of time...sigh.i wish i were doing IB)

yep thta's right
can't believe i said that
but seriously, i DO wish i was doing IB
it'd certainly take my mind off things!
and
also
i want a job
and
and
I WISH I WAS STUDYING HUMANITIES INSTEAD OF SCIENCES!!!!!!!!

ugh i hate myself for taking so long to realise this
and gosh. when i saw the viet school tutoring sheet
how it had "english" as an option
i was exceited!
but...turns out they are only smart enuogh to tutor up to year 10
stupid people :@

and sigh. i guess i'll have to work by myself for now
tutor myself.
gosh.

=)

i might write more later

i get you

today my family came over to my house
and they went swimming
i slept =)

however, before everybody came into the pool
little Mac, the baby of the family, was swimming around in the pool by himself
now, he's like...3 or something, and he had floaties and a noodle, and mai chi and i were pushing him around
we were lyingo n the edges of the pool, and encouraging him to swim towards us.
y'know, the usual stuff =)

and then mai chi went inside to get changed
and so it was just mac swimming in the pool and me lying on the edge
and all of the adults suddenly turned their attention to him and started callilng out to him
shouting out stuff like "kick kcik KICK!"
and telling him to kick his legs and SWIM
rather than just float around on his noodle
which he was content to do

and while everybody was shouting out at him, encouraging him to swim properly
he looked at me
and i thgouth "yeah, i get you little man. you just want to float around and do your own thing, yet everybody keeps telling you NOT to do it. i get you, i really do"

and that's what everything is like
everything
EVERYTHING

it's hard, as little mac found out today, to keep doing your own thing when everybody is telling you what to do
and i ought to know
but then, everybody has their own stories
and experiences about this

let me hear yours?
and maybe i'll let you hear one of mine =)

closure

they call it closure
but what it means it opening up and speaking about something...right?

y'know, how they say, "speak about it, and you will get closure."

so by opening up to someone...you "close"?

hmmm ponder over THAT ONE!

i could explain that, not sure if you could
but i shall explain it, for those who are sitting there, on the edge of your seats, just itching to know
well i believe that they call it "closure" because once you've spoken about it, gone over it back and forth until you understand each other AND the situation, then you experience CLOSURE. because the situation is effectively CLOSED. and also because you finally CLOSE your mouth =) OR because...yeah i shan't go on about this

well, the reason i started talking (writing) about "closure" is because i believe we all need it at least once in our lives
y'know, the huge slap in the face that finally makes us see clearly?
that ice cold bucket of water poured over us that immediately wakes us up?

yeah, well i think you ALL need some of that. wake up time! time to see past all the things that have blinded you in the past; time to see clearly, and see situations and circumstances for what they truly are.

i should know. i've been there, done that. just recently, too, i reckon.

hmm shan't elaborate right now

...lost my train of thought

damn that.


summary: wake up, guys
welcome to reality.

today, i put my childhood away
i stuffed it all into plastic bags, to be given away
and what did i replace it with?
BOOKS!


ahaha, i guess i ought to explain
today, i cleaned my rooM!
like, actual take everything off and whipe everything down cleaning

and today, i got rid of my hundreds of soft toys.
y'know, the ones i said that i would never ever throw away?
yeah well i'm not throwing them away. i'm GIVING them away
giving some other kid a chance to love those awesome cuddly things

i certainly loved them
and they had this special power
to make everything alright again
no matter how horrible things seemed

it's okay, i've kept a few special ones
just in case i need someone to hug in the middle of the night

but in doing so, i have certainly freed up lots of space for my books!
so now i shan't be needing a new bookshelf for quite some time, as i have now almost 2 whole LONG shelves free! but then, knowing me, they'll be full again by july

LOL

that's all i have to say, really
that i've finally put my toys to rest
and effecitvely said g'night to my childhood

i can still be a child, i know
but my room doesn't look like a kid's room anymore
and maybe it's a good thing
maybe it's time for me to grow up
time to grow up and be...strong?

hmmm
i'll think of a word

might let you know later

=)

my only cage shall be my casket.

waiting for things to pan out

butchaknow
i struggle to sit around and wait for things
i really do.
so when i am waiting for htings to "sort themselves out" or "pan out"
i have to do something
and unfortunately, the things that i do
aren't the greatest

sure, i go read
but then it doesn't quite keep my mind off things entirely,
and when i try to explain what's going on to people, it just turns out badly
so
sorry for that
i really am sorry

well, holiday time for me now!
and when i get back in 2 weeks' time, maybe
hopefully
things will become clearer

that's really all i can hope for, right?

Dear Soulmate

December 24 2009

I believe i met you today. i really really do. it was...exhilarating. absolutely amazing
speechless


December 25 2009

I saw you this morning, but you were walking away from me. Not sure what to think.


December 26 2009

I spent all day today uploading photos for you! It's great to know that the things that only i can do are actually being appreciated by somebody!


December 31 2009

I don't even know why i'm still writing these anymore. You're here now, and i shoul dbe saying all of this to you. And i could be, too. Aaaahh...i just can't get enough of this invicible feeling. I can't believe how everything worked out so magically... wow.


January 1 2010

oh dear, i had no idea that i had the capacity to hurt somebody that much. and for that somebody to be YOU... It's quite amazing, actually. I know exactly how your'e feeling every minute of the day, and i can't stop wondering how you are, whta you're doing, if you're keeping well


January 3 2010

i believe that you just made my day by hanging around after church today! it made me realise that i really have helped you become more like you were before. and see how they all welcomed you back with open arms? see how it wasn't just me who was ecstatic to see you? They did miss you. they DO miss you. and they WILL miss you.
The way you looked at me when you came to pick up the stuff for Peter, made me realise how much you need me. Don't think i'll be leaving any time soon.


January 4 - 5 2010

I knew all day that something was up. and indeed, something was up.
oh dear.

It's been ...not even 2 weeks. and all i got was a taste of the real you. and i want more. i want to help you so much more, and i want you to know that you CAN wear your heart on your sleeve. But now i know why i've started writing to you again. I'm not too sure where you are right now, i mean, i know where you are PHYSICALLY, but mentally, spiritually, soul-ly? i'm completely at loss.

But somebody once told me that they were given a horrible first impression by someone. But they kept at it, and soon came to realise that it was very much worth it. well, think of it this way, soulmate. i've had a taste of what life could be like with you around. and i want so so much more. i want every day to be like that day when you made me laugh uncontrollably, and when i made you laugh uncontrollably. i want all my days to be like that, carefree, happy, and ...HAPPY.

and im' going to keep at it. i'm going to fin dyou again. this time, i know what you look like, i know who you are. gosh, i even have your phone number! that's an improvement from the last time iwas looking for you, hey? But this time, you're going to be harder to find. because i caused you to withdraw even further into your shell. sso i'm going ot have to push it harder. i'm going to have to work harder and prove to you that it's not something you can just throw away.

after all, if i don't have you, i don't have anything
i'm going to give it this one last, massive effort
and if it turns out for the worse, i'll just focus on studying. on achieving my goals, in the hope that one day, when i'm successful, you'll find me and say "hey there soulmate. Sorry it took me so long to find you". it'll be easier for you to find me if everyone knows who i am.

you know how well i can read your emotions, your tone of voice, even the tone of your words. c'mon. i'm a word crafter for crying out loud. i'm a word artist. of course i know these things. and above all, i'm your soulmate. of course i know. i can tell exactly what you're thinking by the tone of your voice, your word choice in your emails and sms-s and even how you spell thigns. freaky, i know. but what can you do? it's this freaky quirk i have as a word crafter. so when you said "speak to you another time" i knew exactly what it meant

not "speak to you soon" like it always is. another time is not soon. another time could mean in another lifetime for all i know. so don't you tell me that you're not hurt
because you damn well are

Dear Soulmate,
I wish you weren't gone.

And so they departed, each returning to their respective shells

yeah guys.
i'm back
and do you know why?
go on, ask me why.
i dare you to.
better brace yourselves. you knew what you were getting yourselves into when you asked me why.

*WHY?!*

because i write when i'm passionately emotionally ...all over the plcae. right? i write when i'm insanely happy, that is, after screaming down the house and all. and i also write when i'm horribly upset, or depressed (what a depressing phrase) or just feeling terrible.

and what do you know, guys?
i couldn't stay away for very long. my last post was in november, 2 months ago.
2 months.
that's the longest i can stay away for.
and what do you know?
i fucked up again.

that's it.
i fucked up.
again.

which is why i'm writing again

because writing allows me to express everything in me.
sure, i know that you're probably never going to read this, and in the chance that you do, you won't be happy to see what i've written
well, i hope that you won't be upset

but i was so naiive when i thought that everything was too good to be true.
i took it for granted, didn't i?
i thought that it was too good to be true, so i didn't hold onto it tightly enough
or maybe i held on too tightly that i suffocated it.

there are only so many litres of tears my pillow can hold
once it reaches that saturated stage (again), i will have no choice but to grow up. move on. but i don't want to. i can't
because i'm not going to give up
you never gave up on me
so i'm not going to give up on you

song for y'all:

The Speical Two
by Missy Higgins

I've hardly been outside my room in days
Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays
The darkness helped until the whisky wore away
It was then that I realised that conscience never fades

When you're young you have this image of your life
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife
And you make boundaries you never dream to cross
And when you happen to you wake completely lost

But i will fight for you
Be sure tha t I will fight
Until we're the special two
once again



y'all know the rest
if you don't, look it up.
but my point in showing you the first verse and the pre-chorus
is not just because i like the chords in the song, but beacuse i love the lyrics
(remember what sophie fisher said in 'Music and Lyrics')
they're awfully depressing
but they sum everything up so well

the last few days
well, the last week, actually
has been a huge roller coaster ride
ups and downs
just like you said
and i thought that you would be able to carry me through it all
and you can
but
little did i know
that i had stuffed it up from the beginning
there was something wrong right from the start, and that was my fault

i thought that i would be able to pull you out of your shell, encourage you to stand up again
but that only resulted in you becoming even more withdrawn
and now you're even further away than where you were when you started
and not only that, but i sacrificed so many things to take this risk to reach out for you
now i've lost everything
and it is all my fault

all my fault.

don't tell me it's not.
i know that's what you're thinking
i know that you're thinking that i sould stop blaming myself for everything that's happening and everything that has happened
but this tme around, i know that it really was my fault
you tried so hard to meet me
and of course, being me, i made it even more difficult for you

the truth?
i didn't want to get too close
i was scared to
because i knew deep down that this could happen
and it did
it's quite inevitable
and that's why i don't let many people too close anymore
because of that one truth that nobody knows
except those who have had the misfortune to find out
and be shattered by it

i haven't let anyone get close to me (especially guys) for the past 2 years, and i've been "fine"
but that's it. just "fine".
not even "good" or "okay"
because you know what?
FINE is not GOOD ENOUGH
because FINE simply implies that you can still eat, breathe, sleep, talk
and that's what i did
for 2 whole years
i just kept people at an arm's length
all the time
i didn't even hug guys
rarely ever hugged girls
unless they really needed it
and now you understand why

oh gosh. this sounds like i'm gay or something. NO. ahh anyone else reading this is going to be thinking that i'm a really odd person O_O

but that's my point.
everything before was FINE
but then when i took a chance
and let you get close
i wanted you to be near me all the time, because for some reason you made me feel invincible
all the time. and not just invincible, but loved. and cared for, and needed. because i knew (yeah, knew. not know) that i alone could make you laugh at any hour of hte day. and that made me feel absolutely elated. ecstatic. magical. powerful. invincible.
everything was no longer FINE
in fact, everything was bloody brilliant! it was simply, inexplicably magical
maybe that was when i should have realised that something was different. i'd never felt anything more than "just fine" before. and when i realised that the things that i COULD do, and the things that i CAN do are finally appreciated by somebody, THAT was when i knew that it could have been too good to last.

indeed it was too good to last
despite the fact that we told ourselves that it was going to last, that it was something that was there forever, well.
huh. you know the rest.
it was inevitable, as you say

and when you called this morning and told me that everything was going to be just like it was before, and that wahtever happens will just happen, and that iwas all MEANT TO HAPPEN
it made me so
so
so
frustrated
angry
vicious
i just wanted to reach out and slap you. and then hug you and apologise for it, of course
but the reason it made me angry
was because things can't just go back to the way they were
despite what you say, and despite what i say
we are still going to be affected by what happened
unconsciously, you are walking away again
even if you're still going to be within a phone call's reach, or an email, or an sms, you're gone
simply gone
and i was the one who destroyed you
i was the real you
y'know, the one that i dragged out of hiding? the one that i absolutely shattered?
that is what i want from you
i know, it's something absolutely impossible to ask of you, but that's all i can ask of you.
don't say that this was meant to happen. sure, it was inevitable, but GOD DID NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. i just fucked it up.

i guess you could say that i gave you a false hope of some sort
but let me tell you this
that hope was true
i really did hope that ic ould help you
and that i could bring you out from hiding

and i do have faith
i do have faith
i do believe that you can be yourself again
but i don't see how you're going ot be able to move on and just act as though nothing happened.
because that's impossible to me
i want to go through every little bit of what happened
analyse it over and over again
until there are no more questions to be asked

i know that it's a horrible thing to do because it'll just consume your thoughts
but as an overthinker, that's what i need to do
i still don't even really understand what happened
and why you keep insisting that everything WILL go back to normal
because it won't
it just won't
not until i find that missing you
not until you're able to find yourself

but now i'm back to blogging, because it's now my only release

freaking thien thai's not even home.
and nobody else would understand.
simple as that