time passes and people change

there was a time. long ago. when i worked hard to please other people. i worked really hard at everything, whether it was swimming, or viet or just SCHOOL. i did it for my parents. i did it to please my teachers. i did it to set a good example for my brothers. i did it to defy my cousins who looked way down on me.
but something changed. somewhere around the middle of year 9. when i realised that it was completley pointless to be working so hard for other people. why? because what difference does it make to them if i fail? what difference does it make to them if i become the most successful person in the world? NONE. that's right boys and girls, the answer is NONE.
my parents stopped ca ring about my schoolwork. they just assumed that i would be alwasy doing well. aha. how wrong people can be. well, i stopped working for THEM because they stopped caring whenever i did somehting right. whenever i did really really well for a maths test or something. they'd jsut ask..were you the top of hte class? well NO. ...not good enough yen. try ahrder next time. and you know wath? it's really really frustrating when it seems as though NOTHING that you do is good enough for people. clearly i wasn't good enough for them.
teachers? well i have no idea why i did this but i used to be nice ot eachers. because they would be nice back. WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG! absolutely incorrect. sorry honey but you FAILED aGAIN. why? because that is a very common misconception. you treat teachers nicely they still treat you like shit. you be nice and smile at them and the vast majority of them will go on to pick on your bad points. take mr. clements for example. i try to be nice to him. i try to be polite to him. evne though i'm seething inside. and you know what i get back? i get a load of CRAP in return. he gives me shit. for everything. it's as if this thing called RESPECT is a one way road. aha. yeah you thought WRONG. WRONG. because they're older. because they've seen more of life. OH YEAH? well maybe you've LIVED longer, but do you live at the SPEED thta we do? have you experienced that RUSH of intensity at which life flashes by for us? have you ever overworked yourself because you have to keep up with this LIFE. this CONSTANT fight for peace. this constant fight for LIFE. you can't stay alive in this world, these days withouth being able to conquer this whole...speed change thing. another personw ould be mr z. TIMES HAVE CHANGED GUYS! times have changed. you can't keep the old ways forever. the old ways of this stupid peking system. it's called mistreatment. it's called inequality. it's called ASIANS ARE HUMANS TOO! GIRLS ARE HUMANS TOO! you stupid racist. sexist people out there in the world.
who else? oh yeah. my stupid family who looked down on me. why? becaues they thought that i was...i don't even know. i don't even know. it's so stupid because they all used to think that i was sthis stuck up li ttle girl. they ha ted me. they still do! well the vast majority of them. no wait. just the three of them. aahaa for the firs ttime in...years, lan chi actually came up to me and talked to me on sunday! that's like..that is a leap. a bound. for her it is. she's never really cared about me.a nd whenever i had achieved something, she'd be all "OH YEAH WELL DONE!" kind of hting. but with a sarcastic air about her. with that look of contempt that means i hate you yen i love all my other BOY cousins so much more bceause...well i never found out why. i don't particularly care anymore. because why? because screw her. her and her sisters. i mean i dont' evne know why they're so..they look down on me so much. they don't treat vien nam phong phi like they treat me. maybe because i'm a girl. but that's stupid becaus THEY"RE girls too. so i don't see the logic in this at all. none whatsoever. i used to want to work really really hard to prove to them that i'm not nothing. but it's just not worth it anymore
nowadays i work hard for me. for my own future, for my own dreams. i work hard because I want to. not because i want other people to like me becaus ei'm smart. no i work for me. and when i fail. i know WHY i fail. i may bitch about stupid teachers and stuff, but deep down i do know why i do it wrong. i know that i do it all wrong because of ME. i t's my fault. i'm the only one i can blame and that's what i do. i work harder next time. and make the right choices. in my book, for what i want to achieve, a C is just not good enough. in fact, it's shit. okay danielle? you think you've got it hard? put yourself into my shoes for a moment, honey. p lease do. just th ink about it for ONE second. i dont' want to be up myself (although all my blogs seem that way) but dani youv'e got it easy. your life is a freaking picnic compared to mine. IB are not going to be impressed with a fucking C. for science! FOR SCIENCE! for science. okay so it's only ONE piece of work. but it just happens to be the ONE piece that i'm sending FUCKING OVERSEAS! of all the pi eces of work i could have stuffed up. it had to be this one. it HAD to be this one. why? because i hate real world science. i hate this shit about electricity and TECHNOLOGY. i can't even work a freaking computer properly. and you expect me to LOVE learning about them?! i would prefer a pencil pen paper BOOK to a freaking fast "awesome" new fast internet connectsion ANY DAY. A N Y FUCKING DAY. no matter how fas t i need to work, no matter how NEAT i need it to be. i'd do it by hand. a ny day. overseas. sending. shit. work. not good enough yen. *smacks head* wake up babe. wake. up. this is for YOU. i'm fighting for YOU now babe. wake up and work with me.
....i'm going to get this guys. give me some time. and i WILL screw IB over. i will.