when i grow up i wanna be just like jamie sullivan =)

jamie sullivan
i love her.
seriously..if you don't know who she is...go and read someone else's blog and STAY AW AY FROM MINE! nah..just google her =)

anyway
so i wanna be like her
why? because she does NOT care wha tpeopel thinka bout her
and what people say about her
she does not give a c rap
she goes about life
doing what she wants
but helping others
she thinks so much about others that she doesnt' care what people think and how she looks, even
because she loves to omuch
she has way too much love
but why do I wana be like HER?
mainly because she does not care
she does not care about what others think of her, and what others will DO to her
because she has her faith
she has her love
she has her family, no matter how small
she may not have many friends, but sometimes, one true friend is better than lots of shallow fickle people. and that one true friend is enough
she is so GOOD
she just puts her love out whereve it is needed, REGARDLESS of where that place is
or WHO needs it
she reaches out to those in need, especially when others can't or won't
she..is so perfect in her own way
and you all know how much i HATE it when the word PERFECT is placed in the same sentence as someone's name
but this is the one instant where it is true

i wanna be like her
because i want to be able to depend completely on my faith
you know the thing called the..leap of faith?
yeah i wanna take that leap
i want to be able to just jump and know that God's there for me

i want to be like her because i want to NOT care about what other people think of me
i know everyone says that
everyone says "i don't give a c rap about what people think"
okay, who says that the most? hmm
so far, i think that it's Peter
okay, yes it IS peter
he is constnatly saying that he doesnt care what people think
and so am i
i thikn it SO often
whenever i get hurt
whenever i feel insecure
i say to myself
chin up yen. fuck them. who cares what they think. because you are your own rock. depend on your self
i'm posticive that everyone thinks along those lines when they're frustrated and insecure
but think about it
if you didn't care about what people think, why are you trying so hard to impress them?
i must admit
that i try RELALY REALLY hard to impress people
especially in the field of edcuation
ui want people to see
to KNOW that i can be great
i want them to see my potential (however little) and want to take me out and then nurture my skills until i become the person i apsire to be
i want to impress people with my intelligence
but then i know
that it all comes down to how I see myself
but then why do i keep working so hard?
yeah even this whole conquerin IB thing goes against my whole concept of not caring about what people think
why ? because iti's HUMAN INSTINCT to follow the crowd. yeah i know what you're thinking: "no wonder it's always been so easy to be a sheep and so hard to break away form the c rowd"
yeah so it's normal to wantto be a sheep
but the way i see it, and the way that Jamie Sullivan sees it
is that it's w eak to follow the crowd
be your own person
you don't need to follow the crowd to be a great, successful person
you dont have to follow the stereotype to be rich
come on, seriously i HATE the asian stereotype of becominga doctor or a pharmacist. or whatever. just because "my parents want me to"
well, okay. sure its good that you're considering what your parents think, but okay in the end it comes down to YOU. it'sYOUR life so why be a sheep and follow the stereotpye? i know why. because it's easy. because you kwno your'e smart because you got a high TER because you're aaasian. okay that's racist, but it's how people will think. trust me. i know a guy. Thien. he's asian. he's smart. he's doing med. i don't mean to say that he's a sheep because i KNOW that he's doing med because he WANT S to. not because he's asian. not because his parents said so. although they may have told him that they would LIKE him to do med (i'm acutally nots ure of any of this..) the main rea son that he's donig it is because he WANTS to. see the difference?
and yes there DEFINITELY is a difference

between being a sheep
and being your own self and not caring what people think
yes i know you say it to yoursefl all of the time
but i also know, wihtout needing to KNOW you, that you sitll do it
because it's HUMAN INSTINCT like i said before
that's why we girls go out there
and buy push-up bras
or really really tight-fitting t-shirts
and skinny jeans
because it's the fashion
because it makes you look aesthetically pleasing
it makes you FEEL (!??!) good.
because you care about what people think
that's why you do it
sorry, but it's the truth girls
true it's the fashion
true everyone else is wea ring it
BUT BY SAYING THAT YOU ARE BEING A SHEEP!
okay i do it too
yes i do own skinny jeans
and yes i like them =)

but one of these days i would like to be able to get up and wears something
wihtout thinking about hwo i would look in it
and wihtouth thinking about how good people would think i look because of what i'm wearing
and i would like to go out
wihtout caring \way too much about my hair

i would like to be able to say truthfully
"I don't care about what people think"

because on that monumental day
that
....
that
WONDERFUL day
that
....
MOMENTUS day
in the HISTORY of my life

i will finally have conqured the pressures of s ociety
i will have finally risen above the sheep
and be my oiwn person

be strong. because one day, if you have faith, love and hope hten you will get there

soon hopefully =) so i can live the rest of my life like that
but i know that
yes im' trying
i AM
i'm trying to NOT care about what people think
but..it's hard
it is hard because it is defying nature
going against the g rain

why else do i wanan be like jamie sullivan?
i want to shamelessly help those in need
wihtout thinking of myself
i want to be completely selfless when it comes to other people (well DUH when it comes to otehr people..hwo could i be selfless when it's about ME?! omg that was so stupid >__>)
i want to help people
and i know that i wil get there one day right?
hmm but yeah
after jamie sullivan?
man even if i did all i could
even if i helped in every way imaginable,
the chances of even MATCHING jamie sullivan are incredibly...incredibly slim
forget surpassing her =)

another thing?
yeah she has such unwavering faith
i'm working on my faith too
what cha said today about being witnesses
that made me think a LOT
a LOT about jamie sullivan too
today in church i was thinking about how GOOD it felt to be back there.
back at my second home
i was only away at camp and missed mass there for...one weekend
and already it was like...wow. it felt like i had been away for an eternity
you can imagine what i'd be like after spending 2 weeks in japan!
i spend so much time at church
that after only one weekenjd away from it
i miss it so badly
maybe that's a good thing?
hhmm
i'm sure that others feel this wa ytoo
and threy' just ashamed of it
dont' be, guys
be proud of who you are, and what you love...and WHO you love =)

i'd risk looking like a fool for love =)

you should too

okay that wascompletley off the topic, but i just thought of it as i was typing

but yes. hopefully
one of these days i will be like Jamie Sullivan
but for now, i can only dream
and have faith
and work hard

Faith Hope Love