julian? making me think? NO WAY

well julian made me thinka bout something just now
he was telling me about how his band pracitce is going for trung thu's wedding this satruday
when i said "heeeyy i'll get YOU AND NHU AND EVERYOEN to play for me at MY wedding!"
but then julian said "yeah, but i'm sure things will have changed by then"
WELL!
never really thought about it that way
i mean, i alwasy knew that my school life and my school friends will eventually change
because we all ahve to go through that phase
of leaving school and seemingly never seeing each other again.
well i never thought of it like that in conjunction with my church life
my church life seems to be here to stay
but clearly it's not
i mean, even just recently
van's left
i mean.
it's VAN!
van who i thought would be in adeladie for ever
and ever
and never leave because she had such a great life here!
but no.
even the most stable people
even those who seem to have stuck their roots in the deepest sometimes must uproot themselves
like i said
i never thought of people from church leaving
and things at rhuch changing
and all of my friends at church suddnely just barely seeing each other
ebcause work
and study
and other friends
and simply life
gets in the way once in a while
i mean, i seriously thought that this would never end
this whole
going to church
every week
at least twice every week
and seeing the people i love
i seriously never thought that it'd come to the day when all of this will change
hte day when
maybe it could be me?
or maybe it could be one that i love?
like
maybe one day i'll find myself moving to melbourne or somehwere way too far from church
the chruch that i grew up in
the church that is like my second home
no wait. it is my second home...
or maybe it'll be someone else i love
someone else who jsut uproots themselves and leaves
what if it's tuyen?
what if she's the next o go?
but she cant' be
right?
wrong.
julian made me see that today
just before
of all people. it's julian.
just by that simple remark, "i'm sure things will have changed by then, yen"
well
ouch
it really opened my eyes up to the possibility of change
even in the places where i thought wuold be the same forever
sure, i knew that some things would have to change over time,
like eveyrone getting older
me moving up in TN
eveyrone just getting older, changing slightly (as humans do over time)
and the churhc programs just improving
like this whole keeping fit and healthy campaign thing
well that was a big change
but
not as big
as
what julian made me think of
now, i'm feeling so lost
and unsure
julian. damn you for making me think about these things.
but i guess
i really can't doanything abuot it. well, not much
because all i can do is wait it out and hope that this change doenst' affect eveyrone too much
but i am determined
to bring eveyrone back
for my wedding
all of the "oldies" and the "newbies" (who by then will be oldies...) of the TN choir to come back and sing for me and then all of my other friends to just come togehter and sing for me
wow
that would be awesome, if i could get EVERYONE together
all of the people that i love
all the peoplew h ohave meant something to me
in my life
get them all back
wow
i love it.

but even with this feeling of change
when i'm thinking
wow i guess i'll get used to the idea, maybe even get ove rit
i think damn ij' ms till insecure and vulnerable until that day when
i finally adjust to it
well welcome to reality ms president
the world moves on
people change
and it takes a hell of a strong person to adjust to change very quickly
and that's not me
i may be strong
but just not strong enough

hey, it may be news to you, but even ms president cries herself to sleep every night
every night when it seems like the world's caving in
and that nothing seems to be getting better
sure, it seems good during the day
but at night. thats when it all sinks in, when i realise that that good feeling did not sink in to the very centre of me
it just didnt last long enough to have a big enough impact on me
i need a awy to make that happiness last
so that it touches me
and makes every part of me happy
for a LONG time
for ever, preferably

staying strong-well, trying to =)