Fear

What is fear?
Fear can be defined in many ways
like my fear of snails...and sunflowers
ew
but this type of fear that keeps running throuhg my head for the last...few hours is different
it's fear of the unknown
it's fear of the future
it's fear of chance
fear of change

Okay so i was doing maths hw.
ew
i know
why waste time doing maths homework while i could be posting more blogs, you ask
well i agree
but i don't wanna fail maths
seriously. i'm asian
asian=good at maths
yeah i'm alright at it
i just hate it and i think it's completely pointless
who says i' goign to need quadratic functions in my future? (dont' anyone ansewr that...)
ah.

my future
it's uncertain
i have some short term goals
and then i have htose long-term goals
i don't even know if i'm going on the right track for an awesome and happy life
but these goals of mine
are just things that i would like to accomplish before...
well before i just can't anymore

my future
i'm actually terrified of change
i dont' like it one bit
it makes things so much more complicated
just when it seems like you've finally found your place
and you're sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the life you have
life throws you this bomb
and you can't do anything about it
you can try to dodge it
but it's like a homing missile and it just keeps following yo uareound until you pluck up the courage to face it head on
and then it blows
right in your face
yeah dudes it hurts
i'm sure that everyone out there has gone through change at least once in their lives before
but see, maybe you've learnt how to cope with change over the times
but me?
i like to think that i've leanrt how to deal with it
yet i still find myself just
...
seemingly breaking down inside
but noone can tell =D
but you know, now that i've told you this, maybe you will be able to spot it eveyr now andthen
it doesnt' happen all the time
in fact, nowadays, it rarely happens
but when it does
it's quite bad
it's the result of me overthinking everything
i DO overthink everything
ask anyone
they would know =D

but see, i've experienced change in many forms
and let me tell you you just can't hide from it
just like life, you can't hide
if it was meant to happen to you, it'll happen

example
i went to Melbourne in the last christmas holidays
and it was the most awesomest time that i had had in a LONG time
seriously, before i left home here in RADelaide, it seemed to me like my life was just a complete mess
there were only a few elements of my life that seemed remotely close to normal
and those were ...
err yeah let's not go there
but the rest of my life
my school friends were unstable
my church friends
were also kind of...
i just wans't so sure about anything anymore
and i was always so uptight about everything
and i was just telling Thien and Peter that the one thing that i needed right then was to get away
get away from everything that was crappy in life
but then again
i would be leaving behind (even if for just a few weeks) so many loved ones
loved ones i wished would stay the same
such as Peter. Thien. Tuyen was coming with me, so i needn't have worried about her. Thao. Vi. Tu. Thy. Julian (noooob), VAN, Nhu. and everyone else i had who i knew i could REALLY depend on at the time
this was before i found a nice awesome bunch of school friends, but that comes later in the story
so i took a chance
i took the chance of leaving home for a few weeks
go to melbourne by myself
spend quality bonding time with cousins
and just be FREE for those two weeks
tuyen was on the same flight as me, but we didn't see each other again until we were both back in adelaide (she came homebefore me)

yes. i took the chance
it was a big chance
i mean
think about it, i was leaving behind all of my friends
in the worst time possible
right smack BANG in the middle of my big change time
right when i was so unstable and my life seemed so uncertain
yeah i left it all behind to...settle while i was aw ay
yeah guys? it kinda didn't settle
my mistake there was thinking that if i didn't doanything about it, and just ran away from it
it would eventually fix itself
WELL IT DIDN'T

after the awesomest 2 weeks that i had had in a LONG time, i came home
back to RADelaide
bursting with stories to tell
bursting with so much to TELL, so much to talk about, so much to laugh about
and you know what?
whilst in melborne, the only RADelaidians whom i had contact with were Peter (every night on the phone for about 2 hours), Tuyen (but she doesnt really count because she wasn't at home at the time), Andrew (not much, but the teeniest bit), Thien (he gave me a webcam tour of his house at like 3 in the morning), Weetyr (noob), Julian (noob =D, kept me laughing at him all the time). those were the main ones
WELl what about eveyrone else, you ask?
well, i found out when i came home
that everyone had moved on with life
it seemed to me like they had gotten used to talkingabout me in the past tense
they seemed to have gotten used to me not being there with them all of the time
they had simply moved on without me
i came back to my first choir practice in like 4 weeks
my GOSH it was terrible
it was horrible.
absolute crap.
for starters i had SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT
and you know me
if i need to talk
i do
but i just couldn't
because noone else understood about what an awesome time i had had, sleeping late, wa king up late, gorging on junk all the time, drinking a litre of milk every day etc etc
and noone else seemed interested

they had all moved on

well that was a taste of change
that i did not like
and then after that?
well, after that schools tarted again
and well more change
change after change
friends changed
people changed
and now i'm here
with my new friends
well not new friends
we've known each other since year 8
but we we re never this close
and yes i lost lots of people in the process
people say they value me as a friend
i guess i just didn't realise how much they did value me unitl just recently
i was always under the impression that i was the only one who needed my friends as much as i did
but clearly i wasn't

so much change has occcured since...
since well, since my last birthday, even
new school life
new church life
new friends

van's gone now
and when she comes back
it'll be very different
it WILL
even htough everyone says no, she'll come back in the holidays and we'll all be good again
no. it just doens't work that way
because life's not that simple
before van left
it was that solid group
always
me, nhu, van, julian, vi, thy, sometimes phong.
but you know
now it's down to just
me, nhu, julian
vi and thy and phone sometimes
but solidly, me and nhu and julian
such a diverse group =D
seriously
i'm the youngets
nhu's the oldest
i'm only in year 10, i'm the baby
julian's in year 11 the noob
nhu's in her 3rd year of uni the big sister
she's like my big sister
julian's like the big brother i never had
van's like my big sister too =D
but the thing is
van's now MIA
she'll come back
she will
but when she does, her little baby sister wil have grown up
not to mentio her REAL sisters
and her friends
and our group will just not be the same anymore
yes we'll try
we will
but there willa lways be that something that has interfered
that's called time
time, and change

so now me, nhu and julian must fend for ourself whilst we w ait for van to come back and help us vanquish julian at hide and seek once and for all.

theres's so much to say
this is another reason against my going to japan in september
besides missing out on the TN concert for 09 (something i have NEVER done before)
and missing out on many other events happening in September/October, namely birthdays...etc
i don't change

if i went to Melbourne for 10 days and everything changed and it was all weird for about a week. it it took me a week to fix everything after only 10 days of being about 800kms away
imagine what it woul dbe like
after 2 weeks of a different language
a dfifernet culture
so far away...

i just don't want any more change
no more involuntary change
this is why i need to know who's really by my side
because those who really are by my side
would stick by me during all of this change crap

for instance
at school
change of everything, change of friends
who stuck by me?
who became incredibly distant?
it doesn't matter how close they were to me beofre, all that matters is who stuck by me thorugh the aftermath
and you know who did?
Nat, Susan, Kat.
Amber was lost
Jeni.
let's not even go there today, people
it's just
too .
hard.

change is not good
it's unevitable
everyone thinks so
i'm trying to work around this thing called changed
and keep everyone near and dear
but it's really hard
when so many elements are working against me

so stand by me please