Beyond what you see...

I've been described as "confident, always happy". Is that really true?
You see me at school, always laughing, happy smiling at everyone, friends with everyone except those who annoy me, and i'm always joking around. But you'll never really know what goes on in my head. I'm not always happy. Not always confident, even though i don't get stage fright and am apparently confident in everything i do, from public speaking to playing games at TN. [LOL Julian said that]

Let me explain: The biggest thing happened to me on Monday, i pulled off the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, and achieving a life's ambition-to talk in front of a real audience about something that i've achieved, becoming a real idol for something good, rather than just being smart T__T. Ok the biggest thing happened to me...and no one seems to care. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?! I mean, it's ok because some of my friends didn't know about it, but they were actually happy for me. Whereas, the people who KNEW in advance didn't give a damn about what i did. NOT AT ALL. I tell them, hinting at the fact that i've done something cool, but they're just like, "Cool, that's great, so Susan, are you going to tell Gia-Yen what's going on this Friday?" That's one reaction i got. NOTHING AT ALL. Just cared about what Susan's hiding from me. Oh and my parents? They don't give a damn either. I come home real happy and they're just like "calm down, you can't be too happy it's not good for you" And my dad? Never asked why i needed him to take me to SJH. Oh and when i told them i was doing it, they were just like "oh" and i'm just like WTH??!!

Some people were really supportive! Ok let me rephrase that: THREE people were really supportive. Tuyen, Kayla and Julian. Funny how they're people that i don't see every day, except for Kayla. As for the people i always hang out with, they're just like "yeah cool."

Most of all, i thought that my parents would at least be proud of me. At least they could ACKNOWLEDGE that i've actually done something cool. Something MEANINGFUL. They probably have yet realised that all the ppl at SJH now practically idolise me. They don't care at all. All they want me to do is be the top. I'm expected to be the TOP of the class, otherwise i'm just not good enough. My dad and i had an interesting conversation once. It went something like this:
DAD: "So, are you top of the class in Maths?"
YEN: "No..." (Because as long as Andrew Hayes is in my maths class, i can't be top. Unless a miracle comes by..)
DAD: "So where are you? At the bottom?!"
YEN: "No..i'm like second or third because of Andy"
DAD: "Second or third is not good enough! If you want to get somewhere in life, you have to be NUMBER ONE. You have to be the TOP of every class."
YEN: Sits there completely awestruck.

Oh and that time last year, when i came home with straight A's, i told my mum and she had the decency to praise me but dad was just like "yeah cool, get better next time"
I was like...WHAT??! YOU CAN"T GET BETTER THAN STRAIGHT A'S!
And this year? Yeah well it's not much better. Mr. Dunstan offered me to join a year 12 english course for a few weeks and i told mum, thinking she'd be proud of me but NO. Nothing at all.

HA! See, now you know why i strive so much. To get my parents to be proud of me. No wait, scratch that. I USED to study real hard for my parents. NOW i only do it for myself. For MY benefit. I mean, it's MY life, right? So i think that my study should be beneficial to ME. So now i only work really hard to get good marks for me because i guess i wanna prove to the world that i really can do great things, even though i'm so small *blush*

LOL, got a lot going on in my head. That's not even a fraction of it...*sigh*

Oh well, i'll work through it.

Lotsa love,
Me